Found Not Lost

This is a compensated review from BlogHer and Dove Self-Esteem

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, i saw debris
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the pain, I’m so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can’t bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can’t bring me down
So don’t you bring me down today

~Beautiful (song by Christina Aguilera)

My husband used to get upset when he would tell me how beautiful I am and I just roll my eyes and shake my head. See, I never learned to accept compliments graciously. Compliments made me feel uncomfortable and creepy, to tell the truth. The strange thing was, I didn’t think I looked too bad; I just didn’t get that others would see me as being more than the way I saw my self.

When I was growing up in the Philippines, my aunts used to bemoan that my skin was a little too brown and my nose a little too flat. Back then, they didn’t bother to whisper behind a child’s back either. They would just come right out and say it in front of me and to my face. They didn’t mean any harm, at least I don’t think they did, it was just a matter of fact for them. It was a way of making conversation.
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The world of parenting is about to change.

NURTURESHOCK
By Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman
Publish Date: 9/3/2009
Price: $24.99/$29.99
ISBN: 9780446504126
Pages: 352

Summary
In a world of modern, involved, caring parents, why are so many kids aggressive and cruel? Where is intelligence hidden in the brain, and why does that matter? Why do cross-racial friendships decrease in schools that are more integrated? If 98% of kids think lying is morally wrong, then why do 98% of kids lie? What’s the single most important thing that helps infants learn language?

NurtureShock is a groundbreaking collaboration between award-winning science journalists Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman. They argue that when it comes to children, we’ve mistaken good intentions for good ideas. With impeccable storytelling and razor-sharp analysis, they demonstrate that many of modern society’s strategies for nurturing children are in fact backfiring–because key twists in the science have been overlooked.

Nothing like a parenting manual, the authors’ work is an insightful exploration of themes and issues that transcend children’s (and adults’) lives.

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THIS GIVEAWAY IS NOW CLOSED

And the winner is….

The winner of the $200 Visa Gift Card is DG who answered the question in her blog, The Prestigiator:

How you keep the lines of communication open with your children as they grow older and gain more freedom?

Well, I don’t have kids but I can say from how I was raised: 1. adhere to a regular dinner time because good conversation takes place at the table over delicious meals, 2. don’t be too strict or judgmental because kids will close down -being a good listener is more important! and 3. share a few of your “secrets” (avoid TMI though) as well; show your kid you’re more than just a parent but were once their age and full of wonderment as well.

Thanks to my parents for always knowing how to talk to us without being preachy. I really heard everything you said and have taken it to heart.

Thank you to everyone who entered the giveaway and left thoughtful answers to the question. Your comments are being republished on my blog, Amoores.com. Check out the series on Communicating with your kids.

Thank you also to BlogHer for sponsoring this giveaway.

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This is a compensated review from BlogHer

Post Theme: How you keep the lines of communication open with your children as they grow older and gain more freedom.

There is an old saying about children (well it was more commonly applied to men) being tied to their mother’s apron strings. Basically, it meant that they still need their mother and cannot think independently. Nowadays, that apron string is getting longer or has totally disappeared.

My daughters are in their teens now. The two older ones will be 17 and 18 next year and before you know it, they will be out on their own. The last couple of years they have been stretching the string quite taut. As parents, I think my husband and I have been very protective of them. They never rode the school bus, for instance. Even though it was inconvenient at times, we’d rather drive them to and pick them up from school daily than to trust their safety to strangers. One year, they were in three different schools and it seemed that all my husband and I did was drive them around all day!

When they got to high school their social life picked up a lot. They wanted to hang out with their friends more, they wanted to go to games, and dances and parties. We wanted to keep them home, in sight and safe but we knew that would be impossible. We realized it would be a battle we couldn’t win so instead, we loosened the leash. We thought about how it was when we were their age and how we snuck around behind our parent’s back and still managed to do all the things they forbade us to do. That’s not the kind of relationship we wanted with our daughters. We wanted them to be able to come to us for anything. We didn’t want them to ever feel like they had no one else to turn to. So we changed a few rules around our house. After a lot of talking, discussions and negotiations, we implemented some changes to our household. We slacked off on some of the old ones and either amended or got rid of others. Here’s a few of the things we did to keep the lines of communication with our daughters as they get older:

1. School Transport - they are so used to use driving them now and have heard so many horror stories about riding the bus that they are perfectly happy to have us drive them to and from school. Besides, the time in the car is always great for talking and catching up. But they are also now of driving age so we are presently discussing getting a car for them to share and use to travel to and from school. We’re still ironing out the ground rules for this.
2. Dating - We knew this was coming no matter how we tried to deny it. So the next best thing is to accept it. They both have had boyfriends although at the moment they are both ’single’ according to their facebook profiles. The general rule about boyfriends is that they should be introduced to mom and dad. Boyfriends can come visit them at home and hang out but they can’t go to their boyfriend’s hose. They can go on dates provided mom and dad has their whole itinerary before they go out of the house. No overnight trips with boyfriends.
3. Sleep Overs - my girls were never allowed to sleep over their friend’s homes when they were younger. It’s only after they got to high school that we finally allowed them to do this once in a while and only in homes of friends that we are familiar with. I drop them off at the home where they will be sleeping over and pick them up.
4. Hanging out with friends - when they have the opportunity, we allow them to hang out with their friends, either outside the house (mall, restaurant, concert, etc) or in our house even on weekdays. BUT they have to maintain their grades. If their grades start slipping or they start missing homework, then the ‘hang out time’ gets cut out.
5. Technology - they were not the kids who had cell phones and ipods and game boys in their younger years. They still aren’t now but we did get them cell phones when they started going out with friends and having more after-school activities. We have a standing rule that no matter where they are, no matter what time it is, they can call mom and dad to come and get them. If they want iPods, games or other gadgets, they have to earn the money to pay for them.
6. Social Networks - while the MySpace horror stories used to scare us into letting them even have anything to do with social networking, we also realize that being online is part of their generation. It is part of their lives. So we jumped right in with them. They know that mom and dad are watching and I don’t hesitate to say something when I see them saying or doing things online that is improper or inapropriate. They also know that wherever they decide to socialize, mom and/or dad has to have access to their accounts. They also know that mom and dad probably won’t be checking much on them unless they have a good reason to. It’s a matter of trust.
7. Chores - because we feel that cell phones are important for them to have and for us to be able to get in touch with them when we need to, we pay for their services. However, they also have to do more chores around the house. They are now young ladies and they are old enough to contribute to the household. Some of the chores they do: laundry, dish washing, sweeping the floor, cleaning bathrooms, cooking, dusting, and taking out the trash.

The bottom line on keeping the lines of communication open with our kids is, TALK. We talk a lot and often. Most importantly, as parents who tend to be on the overprotective side, TRY NOT TO JUDGE. Sometimes they just want to talk things out. They don’t always need our advice or opinion, they just need us to LISTEN. AND sometimes, even though we may disagree with some of their decisions, we have to trust that they have learned enough to be able to make the right decision for them.

WIN $200 Visa Gift Card

Thanks to our sponsor BlogHer, you can win a $200 Visa Gift Card by following the rules below:

To enter, leave me a comment below and tell me How you keep the lines of communication open with your children as they grow older and gain more freedom - or you may leave a link to your post on your own blog in the comments below. The contest will begin at 9:00 a.m. (PST) August 10, 2009 and will end 5:00 p.m. (PST) September 4, 2009. Make sure that the e-mail address you leave is correct.

Rules:

* No duplicate comments.
* You may receive an additional entry by following me on twitter and tweet this contest. Leaving a link to your tweet in the comments. Note: There is also a re-tweet and ’share this’ button at the end of this post for your convenience.
* You may receive an additional entry by blogging about this contest and leaving a link in the comments. (5 additional entries for answering the question on your blog and linking back to this post)
* This giveaway is open to US-residents, 18 and over
* Winners will be selected via random draw, and will notified by e-mail.
* You have 48 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected.
* Please see the official rules here: Official Rules

For eight more chances to win a $200 Visa gift card, click on the link below:

Check out how other BlogHer Reviewers keep lines of communication open with their growing kids - you’ve got 8 other chances to win a $200 Visa gift card!

Find more info for keeping in touch with your kids here.

This may sound weird when you’re single but when you have kids, especially young ones, bathrooms in public places take on added importance in your life. It becomes a deciding factor in where you go or how long you should stay. Call me neurotic, but when you have kids who immediately have to use the potty as soon as you get anywhere (sometimes before you even get there), it becomes very important that you have access to a clean restroom.

I’m glad my girls are older now and are more independent. I don’t have to worry as much about letting them go to the bathroom alone when we’re out and about but I’m afraid I’ve passed on my neuroses for bathrooms. They will not enter a public restrooms unless it’s clean. If it smells, they will rather hold ‘it’ than use the bathroom. You can forget it for some reason pest control has been overlooked because they will zoom out of anyplace so fast if they even see anything crawling. Actually, it doesn’t even have to be crawling. It can be dead in the corner and they will refuse to go in the room.

I’ve noticed an increase of Family Bathrooms in newer malls and public buildings and I am glad. These family rooms allow mom, dad and kids to use one large room together.

This alleviates mom from doing all the bathroom duties as it was in our case. Since we have daughters, it fell up to me to take them to the bathroom every time. I couldn’t have my husband take them to the men’s restroom after all. Can you just imagine little girls in the men’s bathroom? It’s not even funny. I’m always sympathetic when I see a lone dad urging his little girl into the ladies room by herself. It’s a helpless feeling when you can’t go in with your child. It’s not even a matter of safety, although that is certainly a big concern, depending on how tall they are, they can’t always reach the commode or the sink comfortably. Or they could be like my youngest daughter who used to be afraid of the noise the hand dryers make.

When you have to do diaper changes or just general kid mess clean up, family bathrooms are a godsend! They are usually equipped with a changing table and you just have more privacy to undress your child and get them cleaned up properly. Another neat feature of family bathrooms is the kid sized potty. This is great when you’re potty training because the kids can use the little potty just like when they’re at home and they don’t get traumatized about using the adult sized commode. My girls used to be scared the would fall in and I was always scared they would touch the sides or other parts they’re not supposed to have their little hands on.

I like family rooms and support all public places that have them. I wish they had more of them when my daughters were younger but I am glad they are now more widely available for families with young children.

Parents know all about drama and meltdowns and not necessarily all from the kids. That’s what Scott Gale had when when he lost his cool on a Mother’s Day and ended up walking home for twelve miles.

We’ve all have our meltdowns but we’re too embarrassed to talk about it. Scott Gale was not embarrassed by it, the experience opened his eyes and it’s the catalyst that  lead to his book, Your Family Constitution - A Modern Approach to Family Values and Household Structure.

In this book Scott walks you through, mostly by example, the process of evaluating your household and identifying hidden signs that your family is becoming ‘out of control’. Oh, I know, most of us are in that river in Egypt and won’t readily admit that something is wrong with our dynamics. Us? Of course not. That can’t be us.

Read on and you’ll start seeing glimpses of yourself and your family in the examples that Scott cites in Your Family Constitution. I mean, my children are in their teens now and Scott’s are still young yet I saw so many similarities that it was uncanny. When he talked about ‘losing it’ with his son I couldn’t help but cringe at the memory of either me or my husband hovering over our daughters and just going off on them. It’s not a pretty  vision and it felt even uglier. We always felt like jerks after wards.  We too went through a process of evaluating and revising the way we deal with our daughters but we didn’t quite go as far as Scott Gale did with his family.

He established a written constitution that they live by and it grows as they grow. We have one too in our house, but it’s not written down. It’s something that just hangs over us lol! It’s an unwritten code but I suppose as long as everyone is in agreement it could work. Every family probably has a constitution and don’t even know it. Well whether you have one or not, you will benefit from reading this book. It will give you tips on resolving not just everyday family issues but it will help you reconnect with your kids and enhance your family communication.

Visit the Your Family Constitution website if you’d like to learn more about the author and the book. The website also provides you with additional tools to get your started on strengthening and structuring your household. You can also buy the book directly from the website.

OR

YOU CAN WIN A FREE COPY RIGHT HERE!

THIS GIVEAWAY HAS ENDED AND WINNERS NOTIFIED. WINNERS ARE:
Loretta of Just Not Martha and Monica of First Time Mommy. Congratulations! You have been contacted via email and the publisher will be sending your copy of Your Family Constitution.

Thanks to Vered of Mommy Grind who contacted me about this book, I can giveaway two copies to my readers.

Winning the book is easy, just leave me a comment and tell me:

DO YOU HAVE A FAMILY CONSTITUTION? HOW DOES IT WORK?

If you’d like additional entries you can also do one or all of the following:

1. Twitter - tweet about this review and giveaway by re-tweeting. Use the button at the end of the post to make it easier. Add me as friend @JMom and leave the link to your tweet here.
2. Share - you can also share this post on Facebook and other media using the share button at the end of this post (leave me a separate comment with a link to it if you share it with more than one media)
3. Blog - blog about this review and giveaway or include it in your giveaway list and you’ll get another entry (please come back and leave a URL so I can verify)

You have until July 12, 2009 to enter this giveaway. Winners will be chosen by Randomizer.org and will be notified by email and announced here as an update.

The publisher will be mailing the book directly to you, so you must contact me within 48-hours or I will select another winner.